You know how they say you don’t know what you’ve got til it’s gone? Or that you don’t know how much you love something/someone until you don’t have them anymore?
Yeah. It’s true. I’ve known for fifteen years that I was madly in love with Dean Winchester, but even knowing that, I truly didn’t know how much I was going to miss him when he was gone. I took for granted that I’d always be able to “see” him, that I could keep discovering his character and his story, little by little as time went on. I underestimated how wonderful it was to be endlessly fascinated by a fictional character and have the privilege of learning who he was, in bits and pieces and often-covered-up glimpses of the ‘real’ Dean Winchester, over the course of years and years and years. There was a reality to that discovery, in that it played out gradually, just like it does with people in our actual lives. And thanks to Jensen Ackles’ brilliant portrayal, there was a reality to everything about Dean Winchester that made him real to many of us.
That made him very hard to lose.
I thought that 2020 would be the last time I wished Dean happy birthday; I knew that he wouldn’t exist in the present by 2021. But right now I find myself needing to write about him again. It’s part of grieving the loss of something/someone important, that we want to hang onto our memories of them and remember why they were so important to us. I don’t want to forget him, not ever. And since fictional characters never needed our real-life validation, it doesn’t make any difference whether Dean ‘exists’ in the present or not – remembering him is for me. I miss him, and reminding myself of all the reasons why I love him helps me feel just a little bit better.
This could be a really long article if I tried to make an exhaustive list of what I love about Dean Winchester, so I’ll keep it short. Top five reasons why I will always love Dean Winchester.
One, I love his complexity. That’s due to Eric Kripke, who created him and wrote him for the first five seasons, and to Jensen Ackles’, who brought him to life in a way that was even more vivid than what was written on the page. It took me a whole season to fall for Dean Winchester; at first, I dismissed him a little as a stereotypical ‘bad boy’ type, a little too brash. Pretty on the surface but too stereotypical underneath. (Forgive me, I was only watching because a friend insisted, so clearly I wasn’t paying enough attention!) When Season 2 began, I suddenly realized that I had misjudged the show, and the brothers. I remember watching Dean, leaning against the Impala, break down and confide to Sam that he was not at all okay, tears glistening in his eyes, voice breaking. I let the papers I was grading slide to the floor and said out loud, “how did I not realize this show was amazing?” But it was also Dean, and Jensen’s willingness to show his character’s vulnerability, that made me fall head over heels for Supernatural.
The past two weeks haven’t been quite as full of constant new Supernatural content as the ones before – and many of us, especially here in the US, have a lot else on our minds — but it has still been a good time to be a Supernatural fan. I’m grateful for all the coverage we’re getting, with newly released photos and videos and articles just about every day, because we know we only have a few more weeks of the show being on the air and that happening. Most of the coverage has been about the show itself, but the Supernatural cast has also been very involved in the American elections. This is a group of people who take seriously the Supernatural mantra of ‘saving people’ and they are all using their platforms to carry that out however they believe will be the most effective. Article and video links included below so you can check out more coverage details.
At the start of last week, the SPNFamily got some long hoped for and very welcome news — after years and years of pleading, Supernatural now has its very own Impala hashtag emoji! I will admit, I didn’t have on my 2020 bingo card sobbing with pride and joy and anticipation of loss over a Baby emoji, but here we are. I’m beside myself with pride for our little show – it may not seem significant to people outside the fandom, but it’s so significant to the SPNFamily. (It’s not a regular emoji, so it won’t appear forever, but I’m still very happy to have it for the show’s end run at least).
As we’re all preparing to grieve the loss of Supernatural, we’re also looking forward to the new projects that the cast and crew will be working on, which helps at least a little. TVLine kicked off last week with some good news about Jensen Ackles’ new project, The Boys.
TVLine reporated that Ackles’ Soldier Boy will play a pivotal role in Season 3.
Showrunner Eric Kripke: With him comes the big season mythology that he threads all the way through. The season is sort of about him.
They also had some news about the fate of Castiel, which many of us are trying to steel ourselves for right now as the pivotal Episode 18 airs tomorrow.
Castiel’s deal with The Empty has not been forgotten and will play into the show’s final episodes. Uh oh.
Andrew Dabb: It’s something we introduced last year, knowing to a degree where it was going. The story can always take twists and turns. But obviously, The Empty’s been a little bit more of a character this year, played by Rachel Miner, who’s done a great job. It has still got a grudge against Cas, and that will not go away.
To say we’re nervous about tomorrow’s episode is a gigantic understatement. Personally, I’m so anxious at this point, for multiple reasons, I can barely sit still long enough to type this.
Last Tuesday, Jared started filming his new show, Walker, and the SPNFamily tweeted #GoodLuckJared to him all day to start him off with lots of love.
On Wednesday, EW had an article on Supernatural’s unofficial theme song, Kansas’ Carry On Wayward Son. I swear, everything about our show is special – what other show has a theme song like that, 100% embraced by the band itself to the extent that they came to Comic Con a few years ago to kick off the Hall H Supernatural panel??
Supernatural creator Eric Kripke explained how the song came to be used in the show.
Kripke: Those weren’t just classic rock songs, those were the songs from my collection. At the end of season 1, we were cutting the first of the ‘Road So Far’ trailers. We wanted to do a recap to remind everyone what happened all season but we really wanted to do it in a way that wasn’t the same old avalanche of exposition. [Producer] Phil [Sgriccia] and I looked at ‘Carry on Wayward Son’ and set it to this long recap and it just came to life because the lyrics seemed to fit what the brothers were going through. What people don’t remember is that in season 1, that was the second-to-last episode that ‘Carry On Wayward Son’ played. And then we tried to do another ‘road so far’ for the finale set to Triumph’s ‘Fight the Good Fight’ and it was just obvious it just didn’t take the way that ‘Carry On Wayward Son’ took. You could just tell from fan response that people were not digging it.
Luckily, Kripke was really good at going with his instincts, and it’s the Kansas song that was retained over all these years. I still can’t sing along to it at the end of convention karaoke without tearing up. And I am 100% certain it will destroy me in the finale.
TVLine also ran a story and video about what Jared and Jensen will miss about working together, which I imagine is ALOT.
Jared: Acting opposite Ackles for 15 seasons has given me the confidence that I can push myself. I don’t want to say I baby it with other actors and actresses, but I pull my game back. If you’ve been playing tennis with somebody 15 years or basketball or doing jujitsu or something, you know how hard you can push. Whereas if you just walk in onto a court with somebody you’ve never played before, it’s like, ‘OK, well, I’ve got to feel them out, because I don’t want to just start dunking on the guy, and it’s not a game.’ And so with Jensen, I know I can push as hard as I possibly can — and harder — and that he’ll push back just as hard, and we’ll bring out different aspects of a scene, different facets of what the characters are going through.
When Jared talked about how he tried to leave “Jared out of it” and let Sam have all the emotions during the last scene, Jensen laughed – clearly neither were able to leave their own emotions out of it at that point.
Jensen talked about the shorthand that he and Jared have constructed over the years, which I’ve heard him mention many times before, saying that it helped them really flesh out the bond between the brothers.
Jensen: There’s a nuance, I think, that he and I are able to tap into, not only with our characters, but with the relationship that these characters have with each other in every scene. A lot of times, those nuances are not written on the page, and that is, I think, something that we pride ourselves in being able to bring to the character, to the story and to the show. And that’s something that he and I don’t really even need to talk about. It’s stuff that presents itself to us, almost in the middle of a scene. We’re so comfortable and available to each other for letting those kinds of moments happen that they happen all the time. I’m going to miss having that confidence with somebody that I can just allow those moments to happen and you can seize them.
I’m going to miss those moments too, Mr. Ackles. More than I can even put into words.
As I said in the previous post, Lynn and I should be meeting this weekend, in Nashville at the Salute to Supernatural Convention. Sadly, the convention was canceled and we – our entire country, and the entire world – are locked down, quarantined. (The convention has been rescheduled for August and Chuck knows we are so ready to be at another convention!) Rather than worry or feel sad, we thought we should remember the good times we’ve had in Nashville over the years. So without further ado, here’s a quick look back at the Saturday panels at the Salute to Supernatural Conventions in Nashville!
Just a note: Some of our recaps included both Friday panels and Saturday panels, so some links here will take you to the recap of both days — just scroll through to read the portions about Saturdays.
And now, without further ado, here’s what Kim wrote at the time (with some 2020 interjections from time to time as we look back)
Saturday morning panels began with Kim Rhodes and Ruth Connell. They crawled onto the stage Saturday morning after last night’s karaoke. Apparently they were “over-served.”
During their panel, Kim revealed to us that originally she was to become an angel vessel because she was so upset over Alex, but the fans saved her life – literally. Meanwhile, Ruth revealed to us that Misha’s nickname for her is “ear lobe” and I know I can’t wait for the gag reel to understand why. Their panel ended with Briana joining them on stage for a reprisal of the V-Club disco-ball-change induction dance. Someone suggested they do a remake of “The Witches of Eastwick” and oh my god can this be a thing right now please?!?!?!
I love when Vancon is in August, because that means I can head up there a few days early to just have FUN. My first flight was cancelled and it took five hours to get it straightened out and get off the ground, so Wednesday was pretty much a no go, but I did get there in time to have a nice dinner with my friend Betty (who was kind enough to pick me up at the airport). After we’d indulged in lots of good pizza, we drove by the filming location for that evening, a nearby school. Due to our prioritizing of food (okay, it was my prioritizing, tbh) we arrived just as they were wrapping filming for the night – but in time to wave cheerily at the vans and trucks as they pulled out. Oh well.
Betty dropped me off at the Air BnB I was sharing with my friends Alana and Illy, who had spent the day braving the Vancouver rain and searching for past filming locations (all captured on Alana’s @_KingBooks_ Wednesday blog if you’re curious). We had the tiniest little Air BnB ever with a portable air conditioner that required us to leave a window open so its flexible tubing could protrude when we ran it but the shower was lovely and there was a fridge and two beds so we were happy fangirls.
Thursday we got up (relatively) early, walked to the little shopping area a few blocks away to a) get Lynn a latte before she gets too cranky and b) drop off clothes at the laundromat. The laundromat made me picture human!Cas stripping down to do laundry and that made me smile. The latte helped too.
The three of us then piled into the car (Kansas plates, and yes that made us giggle) and hit the road, armed with Alana’s list of past filming locations thanks to a generous fan on LiveJournal who has painstakingly logged them all for going on fifteen years. Fandom, y’all.
We got incredibly lucky at our first attempt, finding the iconic fence by the river where Dean famously told Sam that their father had said that if he couldn’t save Sam, he might have to kill him. If you’ve read ‘Fangasm Supernatural Fangirls’, there’s a chapter in which Kathy and I and some friends also try to find this fence, but have a lot more trouble (without the benefit of any directions). We finally found it at midnight that time, only to be stopped and questioned by flashlight wielding police officers who were sure that a bunch of women scrambling down an overgrown bank in a wooded area at midnight could only be up to no good.
The place has changed a bit – the overgrown banks are now just grass, with a lovely park bench, and there’s now a paved pathway along the fence. The fence itself, which was just a couple of ramshackle boards on posts, is now four new-looking boards. It’s an incredibly beautiful, peaceful spot – which made such a striking contrast when Dean has to say something so horrible to Sam.
The posts were still there so we could use those as a reference as we did what we’d come to do – reenact that iconic moment, of course! Illy set up the camera and she and Alana took their positions while I got to play director.
“You need to be on the other side of the post, Alana. No, I don’t care if there are a bunch of stink bugs there, move over!”
“Lean in more, Illy. Now look at the bridge, be somber. You’re tormented by this. Alana, you look at Illy.”
I kinda liked playing director, can you tell? I think the results speak for themselves.
Alana left her video camera running the entire time we were there, so god knows what other footage she has of us being total idiots – and having the time of our lives. It’s what fandom is all about, after all.
A man and his wife were sitting on a nearby bench and came over to compliment our ‘work’, which was such a Vancouver thing to do. They are the nicest folks!
Our next search missions weren’t quite as successful. We found the field where the gigantic boat from the Wayward Sisters episode is run aground, but it’s on the most forbidding sort of private property you can imagine. I wanted to just get the hell out of there but Alana and Illy are more intrepid, so we got of the car and walked a ways down the gravel road (which WAS a road, so it was technically okay – the private property signs were on the cornfields all around us). But as we passed by a few sketchy looking guys and foreboding looking farmhouses – think The Benders – (were they glaring at us or was that my imagination?) and more signs, I got more and more anxious. Finally we reached a sign that in big letters said “PRIVATE PROPERYY. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.” And then said something about trespassers being violated!
That was it, I was outta there. We later found a vantage point where we could at least see the ship and take a few photos from far away, and that was as close as I was getting!
Next we found the river bank where the Wayward girls skipped stones but – you guessed it – another private property sign. Oh well.
After that we had more success, finding the school where the 200th episode was filmed. The Russ Hamilton set tour earlier that day had been able to go inside to the auditorium and even sing “Carry On” on that same stage, and of course we couldn’t do that, but just seeing where the Impala had been parked and the entrance where the Supernatural sign had been was a thrill. We are nothing if not easily amused.
Our final stop of the day was a complete success, and SO much fun – the field where the climactic fight scene of LARP and the Real Girl took place (which, by the way is adjacent to a little swim club). We found the exact place, which is much smaller than it looked in the episode, and decided to reenact that wonderful moment when Dean, painted and bedecked, gives his Braveheart speech – and gets interrupted by a non-LARPer playing Frisbee. You see, the field is a real life Frisbee course. And what happened just as we were setting up the camera to film? A real life guy tossed a Frisbee right onto the field! I was freaking out about how perfect that was, and immediately directed Illy or Alana to go convince the two young guys that they needed to be in our film. (This whole director thing is hard to let go of, tbh…)
They did – and the two nicest guys ever were happy to help. They threw the Frisbee, Illy channeled her inner Dean, Alana her inner Sam, and me my inner Felicia Day – the results are frankly hilarious. If Alana hasn’t posted that video yet, be sure to check it out. Just so you can laugh your ass off at us. We don’t mind.
(Sincere apologies, Felicia Day, if you ever see the video…)
After that we headed to the con hotel for pre-reg, but every so often I’d remember what we just filmed and just burst into laughter.
I met up with my friend Alicia for a late dinner and lots of catching up and reminiscing, and then it was time to get some rest for Friday.
Friday I got to sleep in and have a nice breakfast, then the con kicked off with Rob Benedict holding down the fort (Richard Speight Jr. was busy with directing Supernatural). Poor Rob ended up introducing himself when there was no one else to do it, but all the props because he played all his multiple roles seamlessly.
Rob: (sheepish) Don’t hate me too much, I know I took a turn last season…
This year’s Vegas con was special. I know I say that about pretty much every con, because they’re all special in their own way – but no convention had ever been like this. This was the first convention after we found out that Supernatural is ending after next season. When I heard the news, I couldn’t wait to be with a bunch of people who truly “get it”. Fellow fans who are just as devastated by the news as I was, and who love the actors and the Show enough to support the decision anyway. I just wanted to talk to people who understand, and get lots of hugs too. And that’s pretty much what I got.
My friend Laurena from Winchester Family Business and I roomed together at the Rio, where I’ve had all sorts of misadventures before including the traumatic experience of having our bathroom explode in the middle of the night and our room be overtaken with sewage (literally) like something out of a horror movie. The Rio always brings adventures of some kind, even if it’s only the adventure of walking five miles each way from the hotel through the casino to the convention center which is more or less in the next state over. Maybe an exaggeration, but maybe not. There’s also the drama of the Starbucks which insists on closing at 3 pm every day and the serious lack of fast and easy takeout. And the smoke-filled casino.
But actually, I have as many fond memories of the Rio as traumatic ones. This year, like every year, was a time to catch up with friends old and new. I got to see HR’s brand new Richard sculpture along with the rest of the gang. This fandom is so damn talented!
This year, I just wanted to immerse myself in the arms of the SPNFamily, both cast and fans. So that’s what I did.
My friend Alana and I spent a lot of time talking about how many fans were confronted with derision in their non-fannish lives and being judged for grieving the loss of a television show. So we sat down and filmed a video for her channel, which you can watch on her channel (link below). We hope it helps a little bit as we all help each other get through this. And try to look forward to the next year of Supernatural!
I’ve grown to love being part of the “vendor squad” at the Supernatural cons. We’re like a traveling band of wanderers, but we all look out for each other and support each other. There’s always someone to watch your table while you run to the bathroom or pat you on the back when you’re tired or lend you some packing tape or just share a laugh. I was right next to the lovely Jason Manns’ table manned by the equally lovely Misty when he wasn’t there. It was nice to catch up with Jason again and to reminisce a little about the early days of the fandom and some of his first concerts, including in my hometown many years ago! Jason contributed a free digital download of ‘Soul’ to one of our first books, Fangasm Supernatural Fangirls, and a Station Breaks free song to Family Don’t End With Blood too, so he’s part of the FDEWB family.
I flew in on Wednesday night and arrived at about 1 am after flying for 9 hours including layovers, so needless to say I was absolutely knackered. I checked in and started dragging my suitcases across the casino floor when I heard someone call out “hey, are you Fangasm?”
A young woman in a Supernatural tee shirt who looked very distraught was asking, so I said yes. Nearly in tears, she asked if I could help her, because her roommate wasn’t getting in until tomorrow and the hotel was not letting her check in because she was under 21. As though stranding her in the middle of a casino was a better idea! I got back in the check in line and gave them a guarantee for her so they’d give her a room – so for the rest of the weekend whenever I saw her, she’d joke that I was her savoir. Hey, we’re all SPNFamily.
Thursday was kicked off by our host Richard Speight Jr., as always, and Louden Swain.
Then it was time for Adam Rose, who I haven’t seen in a long time and really enjoy. Adam immediately acknowledged the elephant in the room.
Adam: I heard the news…I’m really excited to see how they wrap things up. It’s great they get a year to do that.
What are Aaron and his Gollum up to?
Adam: Last time we saw Aaron and his Gollum they were at a disco in Germany so I feel like they’re having fun.
He’s also up on his Supernatural memes, including the one he stars in from his episode.
Adam: Oh my god these guys are psychopaths… I love that meme!
Adam was not spared some J2 pranking on set.
Adam: I’m doing this intense scene with Jensen and I see Jared pop up (off camera of course) holding this paper with a phallic object on it. I cracked up. So then, 13 takes later…